“That’s So Sexist!”
I think we’ve all been in situations in which a conversation takes an unexpected turn. I humbly offer the following one such example:
Leslie: “Hey, we should go eat at that restaurant over there.”
Ron: “Which one are you talking about, there are like three different restaurants in this area.”
L: “The one with the two girls standing in front of it…”
R: “What two girls? Oh you mean that one with the brown hair and her fat blonde friend? Yeah we should go there, I love that place.
L: “Fat? Why did you just call her fat? She’s not fat, that’s so mean.”
R: “Oh I’m sorry, I forgot who I was talking to. Sensitive audience.”
L: “What do you mean sensitive audience? Just because I don’t think you should call people fat doesn’t mean I’m especially sensitive.”
R: “No I just mean… I get it… women and their weight, its sensitive, I get it.
L: “Women and their weight? Me finding your comments on the way that woman looks offensive has nothing to do with being female. It’s just plain rude. Not to mention that insinuating that I have a problem with your comments because I’m a woman and therefore sensitive about my weight is not only cliché but kind of sexist.”
R: “Sexist?! I’m not sexist. You’re blowing this whole thing way out of proportion. Wow, way to make it a gender thing. I cannot believe you just called me sexist. You know, I’m not even hungry anymore. Let’s just go home.”
And just like that Ron cuts off the conversation. Once the dreaded term “sexist” comes out, the conversation is pretty much dead. Sexist is just about one of the worst terms you can call someone (add to that racist, homophobe, among others). No one wants to be associated with a manner of thinking or behavior that is largely considered offensive and outdated. Once that term in uttered from one person to another, all conversation around the issue that caused the term to be brought up in the first place is over. In this case Ron, who made the “sexist” remark, no longer wants to discuss the issue just as Leslie really wants to make her point.
And that’s a shame. The reality of the world many people live in is that sexism (and other isms) no longer linger out in the open, easily identifiable and agreed upon by all, but rather sexism lives in the shadows, ingrained in certain behaviors and thought patterns. It’s ironic that as more work has been done to bring about the equality of women and men, it has become harder to have honest conversations about those issues and attitudes that continue to promote misogynistic and sexist thought. It’s almost impossible to have an open and honest conversation about the problems that continue to plague the fight for gender equality without someone feeling defensive and wanting to wish it away.
A similar issue can be seen around the birther movement in the United States. Many people believe that the push for Barack Obama to release his birth certificate is born out of racism, a desire to attribute an otherness to the first African American president. Yet if you read any comment sections on the numerous opinion pieces that have been written on the subject, you have many individuals who are quick to assert that racism no longer exists, that black people are trying to make an issue out of nothing and that blacks are really the ones that are racist against whites. The validity of those arguments are inconsequential. The problem is that by being so quick to make those arguments, the conversation is being shut down and those who feel marginalized are being told to keep their opinions to themselves, echoing a history of being silenced.
Honestly in the above situation, both Leslie and Ron are limiting the possibility of open dialogue. Ron is defensive and therefore not willing to listen while Leslie has thrown out labels rather than creating a space for conversation to flow.
In situations of perceived racism and sexism, we aren’t all going to agree on the specifics of the case, but we have to be able to discuss it. If we’re trying to create a world in which the oppressive and domineering forces that have for so long plagued human history become a thing of the past, then we have to be able to understand each other. One way of doing this is by listening to other people’s experiences. In doing so, we have to allow people to feel their feelings – this way we validate their reality. It’s only through the process of listening to others’ sorrows and experiences that we can create a common foundation; that we begin to see reality and truth as one. And perhaps once voices can be heard we can move past these labels which so often gloss over the full weight of the situation and only create greater distinction where there could, in fact, be inclusion.
Interested in sharing your experience promoting the equality of women and men? write a post and send it to engenderingequality@gmail.com
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[...] have much to write about. Honestly though, if one person in that room would’ve said something, not in a confrontation way, but in a way to invite reflection, that would’ve been engendering equality. We should all take [...]
There are a lot of different points this piece raises, but I found the dynamics of the dialogue itself very interesting. I wonder, for instance, what Leslie was really hoping to achieve by calling Ron sexist. Was she venting her frustrations? Did she snap? Did she think by calling him sexist next time he was in a similar situation he wouldn’t make a sexist remark? Does that mean he would have stopped being less sexist or merely learned to hide his sexism more?
See, I think it’s interesting that we live in a culture that on the one hand condones all sorts of atrocities and crude ways of speaking and thinking about others, and on the other hand, encourages confrontation and speaking your mind and ‘calling people out’. When did it become our responsibility to ‘call people out’? Especially when those people are not our children or students? I mean, sure, friends have the privilege of helping each other progress, but I don’t know that confrontation is really the way to do it.
Just as we saw with Ron and Leslie, the second she labelled him, that conversation, and any true reflection on Ron’s part, ended. Now it’s true that he may go home and think about it more, but it’s also true that he may just feel annoyed and figure out his own clever moniker for Leslie.
If she had asked him questions instead, if she had thought about a way to reflect on a subject that clearly matters to her without putting someone else in a box, I wonder how the conversation might have gone and if it would have been more effective.
Oh yes…Leslie and Ron captured a classic set up that I’ve seen more times than I’d like to admit. A video I saw (http://youtu.be/b0Ti-gkJiXc) came to mind when the discomfort in the conversation between the two settled in. Sometimes, being able to focus on the action rather than their character can help all involved.
I have had a funny time navigating the nuances of what is or isn’t sexist, what might sound that way, etc. in my short time on this Earth. I was inundated with messages, images and reinforcement that my role goes as such and as so growing up, and there were very few things to challenge those things at the heart until I became friends with females…for real, not the “We’re friends, but I’m really romantically interested if she’d only notice…”, but the for real, “That’s my sister, and we kick it hard. We have each other’s backs” that I learned was missing from my understanding before. Obviously, it’s more complex than that, cause there’s all kinds of things holding us back from really being good friends and family, and keeping us in those highly sexualized, control preoccupied roles. Just like trying to have meaningful relationships with folks with a different culture or ethnicity, it doesn’t suffice to say, “I have ________ over for dinner!”
I was having a conversation with another lady who works extensively on gender issues and we were talking about how certain words have taken up a new dimension and meaning.A once harmless vocabulary has taken a whole new meaning. We were also discussing about how the meaning of the word Feminist has changed. How it has now become a word no one wants to become associated with as it tends to verve towards the extreme.
Issues such as Feminism, Racial discrimination, other biases, etc. have become so over advertised today. This is not to say that it is bad or not needed but, what one must also look at is the outcome of such hype. Has it reduced discrimination? or have we merely become more informed and learnt to become politically correct? Has the root cause of these issues been discussed? Have behaviors changed? Have we begun to look at each human being as a noble soul?
I was reading this economic theory that states we work on incentives, and that being “sexist”, “prejudiced” in today’s society has negative incentives as it makes us unpopular and seem inhumane, hence the offense at being labeled with such terms. Therefore, we modify our language and our outward behavior to suit the situation. However, inherently these biases still exist and they are inadvertently or advertently still being propagated through mass media.
Until such inherent biases change I think, we will be hearing many more such conversations.
I think the major problem is searching for self. If you are not sure of who you are and what you are,probably, you will start seeking for feedback from other people and accepting the labels they brand on you, irrespective of the accuracy of the original judgement. For-example, ”Sexist” If you don’t know your identity as a human being you will start behaving as a sexist- feedback given from the so called ”significant others” There was a stereotype in the society where an image called ”woman” was created.This image was labelled as weak, staying at home,look after kids,sex object etc. All these were attempts of character assassination of our female counterparts,but surprisingly,women for generation have behaved like ”woman” because they don’t know their identity as human being.They rely on the feedback and labels given to them and behave according to the label of ”woman” which in real sense doesn’t exist. We have to change the way we view universe; as ”self universe” creating an illusion of separateness, and have a perspective of everything being connected to everything else.You should see a man in a woman and a woman in a man since they are interconnected, instead of fragmenting them into ”self” as ”man” or ”woman”